Sleepless Soberity

Matt has not called or messaged me for the last forty seven hours. I have not slept for the last thirty eight. I couldn't resist sending him a message asking "Are you back?", but it's been an hour and he hasn't replied. I am tired.

Is he back from Sepang? Did they enjoy themselves? Did he fuck her? Does he realize this is killing me? Does he care? How could he just disappear on me like that? Do I want to carry on destroying myself? Do I want to see him again?

Can it hurt anymore than it is hurting now? I need to take my mind off my mind. I need to numb myself.

Broken

Matt went to Sepang today. No he hasn't called.

After some drinks last night, I had called a good friend of mine who was in Bangkok. I don't remember what I told her, but my call must have disturbed her because this morning, I received an email from her:

Dearie,

I don't know if my presence would have helped, but I really wish I could have been around for you last night. You know it pains me, too, to know that you're sad or hurt or upset. I read your blog almost everyday to know what you're going through with him and to understand how you're feeling, and your pain is so palpable I feel like crying at times - for the unfairness of it all, for everything that you've got to handle being together with him.

Sometimes we make choices that aren't rational but we dive headlong into them anyway. It is a choice that you made, and it's a choice that you are struggling with all the time. I couldn't scold you when you decided to start something with him; all I could do was to hope that it won't kill you inside and that you'd be able to cope with the fluctuating periods of happiness and depression. I know that whatever I say or others say won't influence you because you know all that already anyway.

I really do care for you. I don't want you to feel like crap every time he disappoints you or is unable to be around for you because he has other commitments. I hate that you've got to put up with all this shit. I hate having to see you in the position that I was once in and being helpless to do anything about it. I just hope and pray that you'd be able to find happiness and peace within yourself. You really do deserve so much more. But whatever decision you choose to make, I'll support you, even if it might be against my better judgment. Take heart dear, and find your happiness.

I am so sorry for burdening you with my problems. I guess I am not as strong as I think I am.

I'm Nobody

Matt is back from LA today and I am looking forward to seeing him. This morning, I wake up early to meet him at the airport and we had our usual breakfast at Macs. It was then he broke the news.

“She’s going up to Sepang with me.” My heart sank. “Oh, ok” I managed. I was supposed to go with you.

It was a pre-birthday trip for me but a few days ago, when he was in LA, he had told me that the trip was off because one of "the wives" (of his Evo gang) was going. I hope you understand. I told him I did. I convinced myself that it didn’t matter, that it was just one of those things that happened. But this?

“Oh and I won’t be joining you at Bala tonight. She’s on half day today, wants to take Eunice to the Zoo”. Think happy thoughts. “That’s nice.” I said.

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My day in the office was spent in a daze. To focus, I popped another phenny. Later in the night, I went to Balaclava to meet my friends. It was my pre-birthday party. No, Matt did not turn up unexpectedly to surprise me. Don't be naive.

At balaclava, I felt sick just thinking about the events of the day and my inconsequence to Matt. I vomitted after a glass of wine. Afterwards, I fixed my red eyes the best way I could and re-joined my friends. I need not to feel. When the usual sleazebags came by and made me drink, I drank up to each and every loathed toast. Soon, I felt better. At least I can sleep tonight.

Love Match

It’ll be my birthday next Wednesday. Yes, I’ll be 28 years old in a few days’ time.

Matt and I are both Taureans, that means we’re either a match made in heaven, or a total washout. Because we share the same traits and personality flaws, our life together will be either filled with chaos or total boredom.

The female tends to take a sensible approach to the finances, and her business sense earns his great respect. She is a splendid housekeeper and also makes a good hostess - something the Taurus demands in his mate, as they both share a love of cooking and fine dining. Her feelings of security is heightened by the male's ability to hold a job and provide for the household. They each have an in-born need to express their feelings, and will constantly strive to convey their emotions and love to one another. They enjoy doing things together, and share many of the same interests. The physical aspects of their union will be very satisfying; they could spend half their life in the kitchen, cooking, and the other half frolicking in the bedroom. Their sex life is important but relatively straightforward. In this relationship you will find two people who are happy, and jolly, whose very lives will revolve around each other.

That said, the stars highlight jealously as a major problem for our Taurean-Taurean match.

The possessiveness and jealousy that each feels will cause each to put the other through an unpleasant time, on a regular basis, of close questioning on his/her whereabouts and activity. Taureans are well known for their stubbornness and they must both learn how to gracefully back off and end the confrontations that such a trait will normally bring.

It’s telling, when an atheist like me takes to heart all this John-Gray-type love astrology shit.

Resignation

Matt flew to LA the day after his birthday. How did she celebrate your birthday baby?

Things between us have been alternating between good and bad so often these past few days I am beginning to fear it will be the norm. I wish I am resigned to the state of things so that I will not question him or myself, or this comedy in tragedy anymore. I really should stop stirring the inner demons, most of all my own. What is the point?

Yes, resignation is the best worst thing for me. You see Jeremy, when your loved one knows the blog address where you lay your heart out plain and raw and reads in print the angst you'd never show him otherwise, you cannot help but expect things to change for the better no matter how little. And when you realise that that isn't going to happen, there's just that dull tug of pain you feel and then nothing.

Happy Birthday Baby

I love you.

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I am so happy Matt managed to meet me today. I had thought I wouldn't have the opportunity to celebrate his birthday for him. When he messaged me to tell me, I cut short my coffee date with QY, hurried to get a cake and rushed home to wait for him. It was a simple affair. We had dinner at a cafe near my house and went back to my place to catch F1 on the telly. After the race, I brought out the cake and gave him his present. I had bought him a pendant from Tiffany & Co, with "Matt" engraved on it. You're special to me.

Better Bend Than Break

After my argument with Matt yesterday (where I atypically did not feel like arguing), I met up with Beanstalk for drinks. "Somebody's really thirsty today" he slurred, as we ordered the third bottle of wine. Yes, I can't wait to get drunk so I need not think. "Drink up" I tell him. He nods, no questions asked.

My phone sounds. It's Matt. "Can you not hate me?" he messages. I don't hate you. I'm just inexplicably sad. "What makes you think I hate you?" I reply. You still don't get it. It's not about you. It's about me. It's about self-esteem, self preservation. "Can you continue loving me?" He asks. I never stopped loving you. Why can't you understand that?

I agree to meet him outside my place close to midnight. He is early and waits by his car. He looks lost standing there. I want to sweep his hair out of his eyes and tell him I'll never leave him. "Would you like to come up?" I ask. We'll work this out together.

The Tipping Point

I’m tired of this bullshit. I don’t need to live on the scraps he throws me.

I had planned for my Spain holiday since late last year. I saved my annual leave so that I could have a nice long two week holiday just doing nada along the streets of Barcelona. Then I meet Matt. Who tells me to take a trip with him to New Zealand. I want to spend time with him so I say ok and change my travel plans. Then he tells me that the New Zealand’s trip is off and suggested going to Hong Kong instead. “To visit Samantha” he says, “I’d like to meet her.” Fine, I thought, it’s sweet that he wants to know my good friend. And anyway, I haven’t got that many days of leave left (I’ve been taking a lot of time off work just so I can spend time with him, since it’s only when his wife is at work that he can hang out in peace). So I set my heart on Hong Kong. Then he tells me that it’s off. Why, I asked. Because she asked me to go Hong Kong with HER.

I can never win, you know that?

What am I to say so that I will not immediately be labeled “not understanding”? What am I to think, when every thought I have only demolishes my self esteem? How am I to stay, when staying means I contend my insignificance and compromise to this affair of conveniences? What's wrong? Nothing.

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It’s Matt’s birthday on Sunday and I want to make it special for him. He told me “We can plan something but if she wants to celebrate for me on the same we’ll need to call it off.” Why am I doing this to myself?

Truly Madly Deeply

I've never felt so close to Matt as today. I think the intensity of our intimacy touched us both. For the first time today, we made love without a condom.

"It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it." -- Christian Nevell Bovee

It scares me, what I feel for this man I can never have.

Close of A Chapter

My second test results came back today and it's NEGATIVE. The antibiotics did their magic and I no longer have Chalmydia.

I feel so much lighter, laying down the cross.

I Love Cakeman

Yesterday and today were non-eventful. I didn’t get to see Matt much and strangely, the absence was therapeutic in a now-I-can-step-back-and-look-at-the-bigger-picture way. Not that I don’t miss him though. I do.

But while things between us are seemingly the same , something seems to have changed. Is it me that feels different no? And if so, how is it different?

I can’t say for sure, but I think I'm tired. I genuinely feel weary of the continual emotional ups and downs these two months. Has it only been two months? It feels much longer. It's gotten to a stage where I don’t want to get upset or jealous or angry anymore. I no longer feel the need to justify being with him. No more finding excuses for his excuses. No more wondering about whether they’re sleeping together. What's reasonable? What's unfair? It really doesn't matter.

He is cakeman, but I love him anyway. For that, I bear the consequences.

"There are no rewards or punishments -- only consequences." -- Dean William R. Inge

No Day Like Today

Matt landed in Singapore early this morning. Wifey went to pick him up. I kept myself busy the whole day so I wouldn’t think about him.

“ Have a good flight back”, I had told him over the phone yesterday morning. “Thanks. See you soon Baby. Love you” he had said. “Me too”, I had mumbled. We hung up and I made haste in preparing to go to the office. What have I done? Fallen back into the abyss it would seem. Am I out of my mind? Or am I a masochist, as suggested by some of you? Maybe. Are justifications important? They were, but they don’t seem to be anymore.

He comes by my place in the afternoon. “I have a few hours” he says. Wifey is out at a gathering with friends and he’s to join her later. I try not to think too much and just focus on the present. Afterall, the present is the only certainty I have.

I Wavered

I wake up today to 7 missed calls and 2 messages from Matt. “Don’t leave, don’t do this to me.” he said. I have a sudden sense of déjà vu*. My head hurts from the drinks last night. My heart aches thinking of Matt. I know I should stand my ground and leave him like I said I would. I know that if I turn back now, I will subject myself to more hurt in the days to come. But I miss him so.

So I pick up the phone and call him back.

*About two years ago, I received the same message from somebody else. I had stood my ground and walked away. Don't ask me why.

Because I Can't Make You Pick Me

So, Wifey knows about us. Over MSN, Matt updates me: “She’s very upset” he says, “She’s been crying a lot.” “Uh huh..” I say. Don’t say it, I will him silently. Not this way. “So what are you going to do about it?” I manage. He’s quiet for a while.

“Can I ask something of you?” he finally asks. “Uh huh?” I say. Anything, just don’t ask me to go. I will eventually, but not now. “Give me a week. Let’s stop seeing each other for a week so I can settle her.” he says. You’re just not that special.

“I don’t know what to say.” It’s true, I don’t.

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Balaclava on a Wednesday night, where men hover, locate their prey and move in for the kill. Here, you don’t need to be beautiful, just as long as you are vaguely presentable. The men don’t need to be smart, witty or rich, just as long as they can afford a couple of wines during happy hour. Call it complicated, but really, it’s all very simple.

Tonight, drinks flow like water, courtesy of new-found “friends” introduced by Mickey. They are banker types. The types who give you namecards asking you to “call (them)”. Types I cannot stand. Leave me alone, I just want to drink in peace. Beverly and some girlfriends join me. Beanstalk and Beng too. So does Kiddo. At last, real friends. More drinks.

Amidst beer, wine and the odd Chivas, I remember the girls hugging me. I remember the guys patting my head, ruffling my hair. I remember telling a sleazy guy to “screw off”. I remember Kiddo offering me a 50-50 bourbon coke. I remember texting Wifey (don’t ask how I got her number) “He’s yours, I’m letting go.” I remember crying in the toilet. I remember texting Matt “One of us has to go Baby.. Might as well be me. Really love you but you are not mine to keep.” I remember crawling into the cab at midnight. I remember hiding my tears from my mum. I remember crying myself to sleep.

I remember Matt and thinking how someone so right can be so wrong.

Exposed

Matt’s in New York and he told me over MSN that his wife had read my reply to Valerina and Jeremy’s comments. “She cried the whole night.” He typed. “What?” I typed back. “Why’d you show her in the first place?”

According to him, she had seen the reply on his laptop screen when he walked away to get a glass of water. Matt does not know my blog address but he knows I write about him. I had told him that I had received some comments from strangers that both touched and made me think about my affair with him. He wanted to read my reply to the comments so I had sent him my reply in a word document, which he had carelessly opened and left on his screen.

“So what now?” I asked. I don't know what to think. I feel so guilty I made her cry.

“I don’t know” he replies.

Cakeman

I did a random search for “the other woman” on Google today and came across this website. It’s basically a forum for people involved in extramarital affairs (you can be the “OW” – Other Woman, “MM” – Married Man, “MW” – Married Woman, “MOW” – Married Other Woman.. you get the idea) to speak freely about their highs and lows. These highs and lows, laid out plainly, are inconsequentially common.

MM went on vacation with Wifey, I am a blubbering mess. Do people know, did anyone see us? Have you met the kids, god I feel so guilty! Should I tell the wife, will he file?

I AM LONELY ALREADY.

Although it was somewhat comforting knowing that some people have left their affairs and lived to tell their stories, it was depressing how the majority still struggles on. We all love them dearly. That is the "given", otherwise no one would put up with all this crap ever. What has to happen though is that we need to separate our wishes and hopes from the reality of their actions. The hardest thing to discover perhaps is that we are just not that "special".

I particularly liked what one "survivor" bluntly pointed out: "He is happy, he has two women dying to be with him, he knows how to keep both of you in line so there isn't too much drama, he is a CAKEMAN."

Family Day

Saturdays are Family Days. This means that Saturdays are out of my realm. On Saturdays, Matt takes his wife and kids out. On Saturdays, he cannot meet me and calls are limited to a “need to” basis. (To note, these are not rules he writes out. This is an implicit arrangement, although if I had a say in it I’d suggest Monday s or Tuesdays as Family Days.)

This morning, he sends me a message: “Good morning sweetie! Eunice (his daughter) wants to cycle so we’re at the beach now.” Ouch. I reply: “Nice weather to cycle, have fun.” I try to distract myself watching a movie with a friend. Later, I send him another message: “What’s for dinner?”. His reply came after half an hour: “We’re meeting Derrick and his wife in town for dinner.” Such cosy coupling. I don’t expect him to message me again. Perhaps I’ll see him online later. I hate that I have come to hate Saturdays.

Forgiven

When I woke up from my half slumber this morning, my pillow was wet and I felt like crap. I had not managed to talk to Matt yesterday. He switched off his mobile phone and hung up his home phone. I know I must seem like some psycho repeatedly dialing his number but I was desperate. I hate this feeling of being cut off. I need to explain myself. It was all in the past I swear. I’m not a slut.

“Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left.” That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I force myself to go for the appointment I had made with the gynae. I am to take another test for Chalmydia to see if the course of antibiotics prescribed had cleared the infection. I don’t care I just want Matt back. At the clinic, I try to call Matt again. After rejecting my calls a few times he reluctantly came to the phone. When I said I wanted to meet him, he hung up.

I ended up waiting by Matt’s car for an hour at the swimming pool. I knew he was going for a swim and that was the nearest pool to his home. You’ve sunk to a new low ET, stalking a guy. By the time Matt finished his swim, my makeup was running. He handed me some tissue paper and asked me to get into the car. We went to a coffee shop nearby for him to have his lunch. After much silence, staring-at-the-ground-my-hands-the-coffee-cup, I make some progress talking to him. He tells me why he got so worked up and I see his point.

“Let’s do a trade” Matt says. “I forgive you and you quit your cigarettes.”

“Ok” I reply. Anything to be with you.

I am not a Slut

I don’t know what to do. I desperately need to talk to Matt but he won’t pick up my calls. I even called his home. His wife picked up the phone and I hung up. Why won’t he talk to me? Surely I deserve a chance to explain myself?

Matt blew up tonight when I told him that I had accepted KS’ invite for dinner tomorrow night. KS is an old friend of mine. We met when I was working in SIA. I liked him and he was attracted to me. Things happened on a few episodes but nothing panned out in the end. I made the hideous mistake of telling Matt the truth about KS and he’s decided not to see me again. Please don’t go. You promised not to judge my past.

Hold That Smile

You meet a guy. He’s married. He tells you so because he’s “got nothing to hide”. He asks you out for coffee. You think: he’s a good guy, we could be friends. You accept. Over coffee the two of you talk about anything and everything. Bonding, you think. The next day he asks to meet again. And the next day. Soon he is on your mind a lot. He tells you he misses you too. Later when he hugs you longer than a friend should you let him. Feelings develop. It’s all good. Except soon you find yourself thinking about him and her. What he does with her when he is not with you. It makes you sad. Because you know he is hers. He already said he will never leave her. You hide your sadness so you don’t worry him. It gets harder. One day you break. You show him your sadness. “Sorry I never meant to hurt you” he says and walks away.

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It scares me how easily Matt can leave this relationship. I find myself increasingly accommodating to him – not demanding too much of his time and hiding my feelings of unhappiness etc – because I am afraid that I’ll lose him. I must keep that smile on my face, I remind myself.

Tonight I Cried

The whole day at work today, I could not concentrate. Images of my time with Matt yesterday kept flashing in my head and I missed him. I was also dreading the talk I am meant to have with my sister later this evening. We had arranged to meet for coffee. I was early in getting to Starbucks. Nervously, I took out a cigarette and inhaled deeply. That helped calm me down a little. “I’m here” my sister startled me from behind. Her eyes moved to my cigarette and she frowned. “Let's sit inside, where you can't smoke."

Inside, my sister looked at me and asked "Tell me how it happened, why and what you intend to do about it." I could not meet her eyes. The how was easy. But the whys and what-to-dos were issues I could find no answers to. I tell her how Matt and I started. “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but it feels so right.” I said. Her eyes softened. “You know that you’re just going to get hurt. So why do it?” My heart ached. How can I tell her that the love I felt was the kind that switched off the mind and turned on the heart? “I never meant to get involved, it just happened.” I squeaked. I must have lost any chance of winning her because she blew up “What do you mean 'it just happened'? Did you ever think, in your selfish little head, how unfair this is to his wife? You’re an adult, you make your own choices. Nobody took a gun to your head and asked you to f* him.” That hurt.

The rest of the evening while she berated me, I mumbled half-hearted replies and stared blankly into my coffee. Fifteen minutes later, she left angrily on the note “I expected more from you.” I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole right then. After she left, I sat there alone surrounded by two full mugs of cold latte for a full thirty minutes. My mind raced with all the possible posthumous arguments I could have made but did not - they could hold no ground either. I got up and walked in the direction of Balaclava. Make it stop hurting.

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I try to call Matt but I can’t get him. I finish what’s left of my second glass of red wine and dial his number again. Nobody picks the call up. She must be beside him. The guy at the other table buys me another glass of red wine. I toast him distractedly. I need to talk to Matt. I desperately need him to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything’s going to be ok. I need him to reassure me that I am still a good person. I hate that I have become so needy. Back home, I try to call him again. He has switched off his phone. They must be in bed by now.

A Short Rendevous

I went to the airport early this morning to meet Matt. He’s back a day early from his Los Angeles flight and his wife doesn’t expect him home till Monday. We’re going to check into a suburban (read: out of the way, far from people who’ know us) hotel for the night because he wants to “spend some time with me”. Increasingly I feel like a kept woman. But I try not to let it bother me.

We had a long talk after the big fight yesterday. He explained to me that he could not leave his wife because that would mean he is “not a good man” whom I will not want anyway. He said he still loves and wants to take care of me, but reiterated that he does not want his family to break up. I still do not see the logic. But I pretend I do.

We had a nice time today. Lots of cuddling, hand-holding and showing of affection we normally refrain from in public. Away from the city, the Changi area is an interesting area to explore. We walk along the coast for what seemed like forever. It was all very romantic and surreal. Later at night, we sip wine in the room. Relaxed and a little tipsy, we make love. I don't want the night to end. But I know that when morning comes, he'll have to go home to his wife and family.