Broken
Matt went to Sepang today. No he hasn't called.
After some drinks last night, I had called a good friend of mine who was in Bangkok. I don't remember what I told her, but my call must have disturbed her because this morning, I received an email from her:
Dearie,
I don't know if my presence would have helped, but I really wish I could have been around for you last night. You know it pains me, too, to know that you're sad or hurt or upset. I read your blog almost everyday to know what you're going through with him and to understand how you're feeling, and your pain is so palpable I feel like crying at times - for the unfairness of it all, for everything that you've got to handle being together with him.
Sometimes we make choices that aren't rational but we dive headlong into them anyway. It is a choice that you made, and it's a choice that you are struggling with all the time. I couldn't scold you when you decided to start something with him; all I could do was to hope that it won't kill you inside and that you'd be able to cope with the fluctuating periods of happiness and depression. I know that whatever I say or others say won't influence you because you know all that already anyway.
I really do care for you. I don't want you to feel like crap every time he disappoints you or is unable to be around for you because he has other commitments. I hate that you've got to put up with all this shit. I hate having to see you in the position that I was once in and being helpless to do anything about it. I just hope and pray that you'd be able to find happiness and peace within yourself. You really do deserve so much more. But whatever decision you choose to make, I'll support you, even if it might be against my better judgment. Take heart dear, and find your happiness.
I am so sorry for burdening you with my problems. I guess I am not as strong as I think I am.
After some drinks last night, I had called a good friend of mine who was in Bangkok. I don't remember what I told her, but my call must have disturbed her because this morning, I received an email from her:
Dearie,
I don't know if my presence would have helped, but I really wish I could have been around for you last night. You know it pains me, too, to know that you're sad or hurt or upset. I read your blog almost everyday to know what you're going through with him and to understand how you're feeling, and your pain is so palpable I feel like crying at times - for the unfairness of it all, for everything that you've got to handle being together with him.
Sometimes we make choices that aren't rational but we dive headlong into them anyway. It is a choice that you made, and it's a choice that you are struggling with all the time. I couldn't scold you when you decided to start something with him; all I could do was to hope that it won't kill you inside and that you'd be able to cope with the fluctuating periods of happiness and depression. I know that whatever I say or others say won't influence you because you know all that already anyway.
I really do care for you. I don't want you to feel like crap every time he disappoints you or is unable to be around for you because he has other commitments. I hate that you've got to put up with all this shit. I hate having to see you in the position that I was once in and being helpless to do anything about it. I just hope and pray that you'd be able to find happiness and peace within yourself. You really do deserve so much more. But whatever decision you choose to make, I'll support you, even if it might be against my better judgment. Take heart dear, and find your happiness.
I am so sorry for burdening you with my problems. I guess I am not as strong as I think I am.
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