I Love Cakeman
Yesterday and today were non-eventful. I didn’t get to see Matt much and strangely, the absence was therapeutic in a now-I-can-step-back-and-look-at-the-bigger-picture way. Not that I don’t miss him though. I do.
But while things between us are seemingly the same , something seems to have changed. Is it me that feels different no? And if so, how is it different?
I can’t say for sure, but I think I'm tired. I genuinely feel weary of the continual emotional ups and downs these two months. Has it only been two months? It feels much longer. It's gotten to a stage where I don’t want to get upset or jealous or angry anymore. I no longer feel the need to justify being with him. No more finding excuses for his excuses. No more wondering about whether they’re sleeping together. What's reasonable? What's unfair? It really doesn't matter.
He is cakeman, but I love him anyway. For that, I bear the consequences.
"There are no rewards or punishments -- only consequences." -- Dean William R. Inge
But while things between us are seemingly the same , something seems to have changed. Is it me that feels different no? And if so, how is it different?
I can’t say for sure, but I think I'm tired. I genuinely feel weary of the continual emotional ups and downs these two months. Has it only been two months? It feels much longer. It's gotten to a stage where I don’t want to get upset or jealous or angry anymore. I no longer feel the need to justify being with him. No more finding excuses for his excuses. No more wondering about whether they’re sleeping together. What's reasonable? What's unfair? It really doesn't matter.
He is cakeman, but I love him anyway. For that, I bear the consequences.
"There are no rewards or punishments -- only consequences." -- Dean William R. Inge
1 Comments:
Why your two months with Matt seems much longer is that you have had more intense experiences in that short time than you might in a whole normal year.
Your feeling that “something seems to have changed” is because everything is changing all the time. Each day, you are a slightly different person than you were yesterday, and the same goes with Matt. Also, the circumstances of your relationship are changing daily. Think of the effect on Matt now that Wifey knows about you and him, and think about the daily frustrations you are having to endure that are tearing you up inside. Things can never go back to the magical time when you first fell in love.
And wondering whether Matt and Wifey are still sleeping together must drive you crazy, and perhaps keeps you awake at night as the theatre of your mind conjures up scenes of them lying together naked in the moonlit night making slow and passionate love. But, perhaps you secretly enjoy this pain since it makes you desire Matt more?
What you don’t have is any control, because all your plans revolve around whether he is available. So you are constantly having to adjust to him, whereas he knows you are always available. Which raises the question of who has the power in this relationship? In other words, who wants the relationship more? For the one who needs it more, cedes power to the one who needs it less.
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