Forgiven
When I woke up from my half slumber this morning, my pillow was wet and I felt like crap. I had not managed to talk to Matt yesterday. He switched off his mobile phone and hung up his home phone. I know I must seem like some psycho repeatedly dialing his number but I was desperate. I hate this feeling of being cut off. I need to explain myself. It was all in the past I swear. I’m not a slut.
“Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left.” That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I force myself to go for the appointment I had made with the gynae. I am to take another test for Chalmydia to see if the course of antibiotics prescribed had cleared the infection. I don’t care I just want Matt back. At the clinic, I try to call Matt again. After rejecting my calls a few times he reluctantly came to the phone. When I said I wanted to meet him, he hung up.
I ended up waiting by Matt’s car for an hour at the swimming pool. I knew he was going for a swim and that was the nearest pool to his home. You’ve sunk to a new low ET, stalking a guy. By the time Matt finished his swim, my makeup was running. He handed me some tissue paper and asked me to get into the car. We went to a coffee shop nearby for him to have his lunch. After much silence, staring-at-the-ground-my-hands-the-coffee-cup, I make some progress talking to him. He tells me why he got so worked up and I see his point.
“Let’s do a trade” Matt says. “I forgive you and you quit your cigarettes.”
“Ok” I reply. Anything to be with you.
“Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead. Sometimes I wish that there were a way to let people know that just because I live in a world without rules, and in a life that is lawless, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt so bad the morning after. Sometimes I think that I was forced to withdraw into depression because it was the only rightful protest I could throw in the face of a world that said it was alright for people to come and go as they please, that there were simply no real obligations left.” That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I force myself to go for the appointment I had made with the gynae. I am to take another test for Chalmydia to see if the course of antibiotics prescribed had cleared the infection. I don’t care I just want Matt back. At the clinic, I try to call Matt again. After rejecting my calls a few times he reluctantly came to the phone. When I said I wanted to meet him, he hung up.
I ended up waiting by Matt’s car for an hour at the swimming pool. I knew he was going for a swim and that was the nearest pool to his home. You’ve sunk to a new low ET, stalking a guy. By the time Matt finished his swim, my makeup was running. He handed me some tissue paper and asked me to get into the car. We went to a coffee shop nearby for him to have his lunch. After much silence, staring-at-the-ground-my-hands-the-coffee-cup, I make some progress talking to him. He tells me why he got so worked up and I see his point.
“Let’s do a trade” Matt says. “I forgive you and you quit your cigarettes.”
“Ok” I reply. Anything to be with you.
2 Comments:
Does Matt’s being married contribute to your attraction to him? Perhaps it is the accompanying uncertainty that makes your love affair with him feel so alive. It must be terribly frustrating and agonizing for you to contemplate what he and his wife do together when they are in bed at night. But frustration and agony can add an extra energy and spark to a romance, since it may not be unconnected with masochism which, itself, can be a sexual stimulant.
So, could it be that you are a closet masochist, and that Matt’s apparent rejection of you only increased your desire for him? What if he was unattached and freely available for you, and you could just take him for granted? Might not this make your relationship with him feel dull, with no resultant spark, causing you to seek out someone else more dangerous?
I sense that your romantic feelings for Matt, together with all the pain, uncertainty, and bitter-sweetness, are making you feel very much alive, and isn’t feeling intensely alive what life should be about?
Think about all your dutifully married relatives and friends, living lives of soul-destroying boredom and predictability - the ones who may be admonishing you to live as they do. You may represent freedom to them, and so you are a threat. So when they tell you to join them in their lives of dreary domesticity, they may be talking more about themselves than about you.
First of all, thank you both for reading my blog and giving thought to the situation. It touches me that strangers care enough to hear what I have to say and to tell me what they think about what I say.
I started writing this blog because I wanted to remember every snippet of my relationship with Matt. I wanted to put the drama down in print and hear myself out loud so I could perhaps see myself and think better. You see, I am not so deluded as to think that there will be a “happily after ever” for Matt and I. I am aware that everyday I have with Matt is stolen time, and while I am happy ENOUGH to still stay by him the next day, I know a day will come when I have to let him go. When that day will come I really don’t know. What happens so that that day comes I can’t foresee either.
All I acknowledge is what I necessarily need to – that affairs by definition, are not meant to last.
But while they carry on, I think they serve a purpose. For Matt, I possibly represent what his wife cannot or does not provide him – maybe it’s a connection on a different level, perhaps I give him validation that he is needed, I don’t know for sure, but yes, I believe I am in his life now for a reason. In the same way, I think that Matt came into my life for a reason. I love that I have someone to love. It may sound ironical, but he makes me want to become a better person.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to justify a relationship that is clearly WRONG. But then you see, from day one, it was never about right or wrong. It was and still is a question of whether I can live with the choices I made, the risks I’ve taken, and whether I can survive if the worst happens. Think about it, isn’t that how life is — we are never really certain of what it’s going to deal us. So I went where I thought I would be happiest for NOW. Even if NOW doesn’t last I thought it would be ok as long as I have no regrets. I still think all that. I don’t moralise people and neither will I moralise myself.
But I also take your point. That cheating is wrong and lying is wrong. That I should not be drawn to the forbidden fruit and wanting what rightfully belongs to another woman. I am guilty and ashamed about that. I know how good men don’t fall for and want to marry women like me who sleep with married men.
I like to think that I am self-aware even if I do not always make the appropriate decisions based on my insight. I do realize that sometimes I don’t love myself enough to love myself when nobody loves me. But I’m no masochist. Yes, I agree pain is as likely as happiness to make me “feel alive”. But I don’t prefer pain.
I just want to be happy, like everyone else.
That said, I hope you will read on and finish this journey with me.
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