Better Bend Than Break
After my argument with Matt yesterday (where I atypically did not feel like arguing), I met up with Beanstalk for drinks. "Somebody's really thirsty today" he slurred, as we ordered the third bottle of wine. Yes, I can't wait to get drunk so I need not think. "Drink up" I tell him. He nods, no questions asked.
My phone sounds. It's Matt. "Can you not hate me?" he messages. I don't hate you. I'm just inexplicably sad. "What makes you think I hate you?" I reply. You still don't get it. It's not about you. It's about me. It's about self-esteem, self preservation. "Can you continue loving me?" He asks. I never stopped loving you. Why can't you understand that?
I agree to meet him outside my place close to midnight. He is early and waits by his car. He looks lost standing there. I want to sweep his hair out of his eyes and tell him I'll never leave him. "Would you like to come up?" I ask. We'll work this out together.
My phone sounds. It's Matt. "Can you not hate me?" he messages. I don't hate you. I'm just inexplicably sad. "What makes you think I hate you?" I reply. You still don't get it. It's not about you. It's about me. It's about self-esteem, self preservation. "Can you continue loving me?" He asks. I never stopped loving you. Why can't you understand that?
I agree to meet him outside my place close to midnight. He is early and waits by his car. He looks lost standing there. I want to sweep his hair out of his eyes and tell him I'll never leave him. "Would you like to come up?" I ask. We'll work this out together.
2 Comments:
You illustrate very well that we, all of us, seldom say what we are thinking or feeling because we must project a cool unflappable image, else we’ll be taken advantage of, and we’ll lose that aura of mystery. Perhaps being mysterious, or playing hard-to-get, is what fuels the passion in the other in a romance, for they cannot take you for granted, cannot have you when they want you.
In what you write, you tell us what you are thinking. But what, I wonder, is Matt really thinking while he is talking with you? Is he crying inwardly, hurting as much inside as you are? And when (if) he is making love with Wifey in their marital bed, is he really making love with you in his thoughts?
It’s amazing that Wifey hasn’t given Matt an ultimatum: You, or her, else she will kick him out of their home. But maybe, because of their child, she is so financially dependent on him, she has few options but to suck it all up.
Perhaps she should contact you and arrange a meeting, so she can know what she’s up against?
Jeremy, the last thing I want is to examine Wifey's psyche. I honestly do not mean this to be a war.
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