Resignation
Matt flew to LA the day after his birthday. How did she celebrate your birthday baby?
Things between us have been alternating between good and bad so often these past few days I am beginning to fear it will be the norm. I wish I am resigned to the state of things so that I will not question him or myself, or this comedy in tragedy anymore. I really should stop stirring the inner demons, most of all my own. What is the point?
Yes, resignation is the best worst thing for me. You see Jeremy, when your loved one knows the blog address where you lay your heart out plain and raw and reads in print the angst you'd never show him otherwise, you cannot help but expect things to change for the better no matter how little. And when you realise that that isn't going to happen, there's just that dull tug of pain you feel and then nothing.
Things between us have been alternating between good and bad so often these past few days I am beginning to fear it will be the norm. I wish I am resigned to the state of things so that I will not question him or myself, or this comedy in tragedy anymore. I really should stop stirring the inner demons, most of all my own. What is the point?
Yes, resignation is the best worst thing for me. You see Jeremy, when your loved one knows the blog address where you lay your heart out plain and raw and reads in print the angst you'd never show him otherwise, you cannot help but expect things to change for the better no matter how little. And when you realise that that isn't going to happen, there's just that dull tug of pain you feel and then nothing.
1 Comments:
Perhaps you are re-experiencing an existential angst that has always afflicted you, and that re-emerges when you go through a deep emotional experience, like the one with Matt? Could it be that because you are the outsider in this relationship, and don’t know much of what’s going on with Matt when he is at home, and can only see him on those very few occasions when he can sneak away, you feel helpless because you have no control, and so you feel very alone and emotionally disconnected from him, and angry, and this is triggering a depression that has lowered your defenses against all the guilt and insecurities and feelings of worthlessness inside you?
I quite understand that you don’t want to look inside your head right now, for, like with the insides of the heads of all of us, there will be stuff there that is painful to look at. But if you do look at it, you may find it liberating, for the truth sets us free.
Have you talked with Matt about all the pain you are going through right now? Perhaps if he knows the address of your blogging site he will know anyway!!! But sharing with him all your inner pain would create a climate in which he would share with you all that’s going on with him, and would make you feel very emotionally close to him, and your inner turmoil would consequently just clear up – at least for now.
On the other hand, you may have perceived that Matt isn’t the sort of person who would understand if you were to talk to him about all this, and so you will just have to continue to suffer. I do hope this isn’t the case.
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