Purging out Loud

Matt told me today that he’ll never leave his wife. In the same breath, he said that he loved and wanted to take care of me. I don’t understand. How can I?

I hate it when I don’t know whether or not what he tells me is real although he definitely sounds sincere and I want to just stop my nonsense too and not act tough chick and trust him but didn’t your mum ever tell you to be careful with your heart and not trust people too easily but wait can her advice be trusted because look at where it ever got her.

I hate it when I think of what is or is not going on with you-know-who and the images kind of creep up on me and I let the doubts crowd my mind and all hell breaks loose and I feel I need a drink or a cigarette or ten tubs of ice cream with extra chocolate syrup and oh throw in a few packet of crisps oh you self-indulgent bitch you are the one who intruded so stuff it.

I hate it when things that used to make me smile like a baby gurgling can now weigh down my heart when I hear it over the phone because it reminds me of what they shared and still share and will probably continue sharing with or without me around and yes I know I had my own shot at it but bailed out so does that mean I don’t deserve or get a second chance.

I hate it when I have to take it or leave it whether or not I can leave it and if I take it I got to keep my mouth shut because it’s not like anyone put a gun to my head and made me stay no I made the choice myself so I have no right to complain now although the door is still open I can still choose to go thank you very much.

I hate how the thought of leaving scares me and I used to not need anyone so what the hell is wrong with me and why am I staying on even though it’s clearly wrong and what are the chances of a happy ending do you know or can he give me a promise there will be one and if he can’t am I not supposed to cut my losses and salvage my pride because pride might be all I have left at the end of the affair.

I hate it how even when things are going great there’s a voice at the back of my head questioning how a man can break the rules and love and be shared by two women at the same time and carrying on per normal while throwing my life into upheaval and turning me into a jealous freak.

I hate it when you want to talk things out with someone but he seems distracted and you get half-hearted responses telling you they’re rushing off somewhere important which would imply that whatever you had to discuss is trivial and which frustrates you but you cannot show it because they never said out loud they aren’t going to discuss did they and it’s not as if they don’t care no they just have more important things to do.

Please Don't Judge Me

I was supposed to meet my Sis today to talk but I got scared and lied to her saying I couldn’t make it. I know, I’m just buying time. But I really don’t know how else to manage this.

I am ashamed for my loved ones to see me involved with a married man. I am afraid that having found out the situation I am in, they will want me to leave Matt. And I am scared to death, to see the look of disappointment, when I tell them “I can’t”.

Crash and Burn

I know I haven’t been writing for a while, but it’s not because I didn’t want to. My mind’s not been quite itself lately, and I have had difficulty putting my thoughts down. Maybe that’s how it is, when you are just “cruising along”. You don’t really THINK, until the bloody truck in front of you emergency brakes.

Anyhow, I am supposed to meet my sis “to talk” tomorrow and to say that I am “worried”, is laughably an understatement. The profile of my sis (wife, mother of two, married young) isn’t likely to win me many sympathy votes. Not that I am deluded enough to think I deserve any of course. I hardly think that she will tolerate the romantic-true-connection-intimacy-shared-soul justifications I have aplenty of, if nothing else.

I can only hope that my sis can understand, even if she disagrees.

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!I wish that I had no one to answer to except myself and the other. I loathe being judged or told what to do. I want freewheeling recklessness, stolen time, the sheer liberation of unaccountability.

I want to believe that all that's fair in love, that as long as what I’m doing feels right, it probably is.But no, ET, this is planet Earth, remember?

Coming Clean

It's been bugging me, the lie I told my sis. I hate to lie, lest of all to her.

The relationship I have with my sis is a strange one. Although we don't hang out or do things together, I have always found it easy to tell her about the happenings in my life, just so she'd know. Even when I go to her with problems, it is merely to inform her - no, I don't expect her to help. And neither does she offer to help. And it's simply because she thinks I can handle it on my own. I appreciate that.

So after my third glass of red wine at Balaclava, I decided to tell her the truth about Matt. I sent her a drunken message. Her reply: “We need to talk.”

I Lied

I told a lie today.

My mum told my sis that I was seeing a new guy recently and my sis starting grilling me about him, what he did, how I got to know him etc. It was all fine, until she asked: "Why is he still single at his age?" I winced and replied: “Recent break-up.”

I know. I wish I hadn’t lied too. Because as lies goes, they only get bigger. This little lie may well epitomize the web of lies I must necessarily weave this point forward.

The Matrix

I realized today during lunch with my sis and her family, how different it is being in an affair with Matt, versus being in a marriage.

Lunch started off well enough with my sis and brother-in-law making idle conversation that weren’t all that thought provoking but which I suppose were necessary to fill in the silences. To note, this is atypical of my dynamics – we don’t talk much about the REAL issues.

Anyway, Little Noddy was restless and expectedly, he decided to stir things up a bit by throwing a tantrum and refusing to eat his lunch. Now, patience has never been a trait of my sis’ and in recent weeks, my brother-in-law’s tolerance of her impatience has somewhat waned. It came as little surprise then, after half-hearted attempts at coaxing Little Noddy to eat, that my sis and brother-in-law launched into a fight.

I suddenly lost my appetite. Was this what marriage and family are about? And is this the frustration Matt felt in his marriage? You see, I recognize that what Matt and I have is plainly, his escape from REALITY. Reality being his marriage and family and the frustrations that come with them, which on sober occasions I actually think are part and parcel of life and really, no reason to seek solace in another woman.

On the other hand, our world is surreal. When we are together, we can indulge in each other and pretend that the world around us is non-existent. But this also means that I am not the one he experiences LIFE with. I tend to think that it’s the hard times, rather than the good, that bring people closer. That’s why I know that he must never just compartmentalize me in that part of his world where babies-don’t-need-nappy-changes and romance-rules.

On my way home from lunch, I couldn’t resist buying four tubs of ice cream home. Yes, I’m ashamed to say I purged again. Why? I think you know better than I allow myself to acknowledge.

Cruising Along

I do not know where my relationship with Matt is going, but I know I am falling for him as each day passes. This is no longer a romantic fling, and to a certain extent that scares me. It’s anybody’s guess when the ride will end. And where it ends, I have a feeling I'll likely not like. That said, call me wilful or self-destructive if you like, but I don’t want the ride to end just yet. Till then, indulge me while I cruise along.

Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you still love?
Alice: Nope.

Meeting Her

I met the missus today. Yes, it’s totally warped, but I did. Matt told me this morning, that his wife wanted to go “check out the band at Balaclava”. At first, I was livid. I felt as if she was attempting to intrude into my world, and one in which up till now was inaccessible to her. But later, I thought, why not? I wanted to meet her and to be honest, no matter place to meet than on my home ground where I’m most comfortable in, where I know I thrive.

I do not know when it stopped being a mistake and became a war.

She is not far from how Matt had described her. Pretty, in a girl-next-door kind of way, simply dressed with a pleasant-enough disposition. The kind I would want to marry and care for the rest of her life, if I were a man.

Suddenly, I realized it’s not such a good thing, putting a face to she-who-shall-not-be-named.

Devastated

My test results came back today. I have Chalmydia.

Seed of Doubt

Beanstalk asked me yesterday: “Why is he with you?”Uncharacteristically, I had no smart-ass reply for his question. In fact, I looked away. The hardest part about carrying on with Matt is attempting to justify our being together. Maybe I am in denial, but I hate to believe that it is about lust, boredom, or even loneliness. But yet, I cannot find better reasons.I never meant it to happen.

I do not, as a rule, moralize myself. But I am also not delusional enough to say that this is right “as long as we’re in love”. You see, I AM aware that there are people, children even, involved who may get hurt. And that I SHOULD absolve myself of blame by walking away. So what now?I wish I knew. The better part of me tells me this is wrong, that I have to end it. This is the part that tells me:

(i) “If he can do it to his wife, he can do it to you too.”
(ii) “Think of the kids.”
(iii) “What future is there?”
(iv) “There you go again!”

But the other part of me just wants to be willful. This part of me alters between acknowledging the eventuality of getting heart-broken, and believing in the idealistic possibility of enduring bliss.