Seed of Doubt
Beanstalk asked me yesterday: “Why is he with you?”Uncharacteristically, I had no smart-ass reply for his question. In fact, I looked away. The hardest part about carrying on with Matt is attempting to justify our being together. Maybe I am in denial, but I hate to believe that it is about lust, boredom, or even loneliness. But yet, I cannot find better reasons.I never meant it to happen.
I do not, as a rule, moralize myself. But I am also not delusional enough to say that this is right “as long as we’re in love”. You see, I AM aware that there are people, children even, involved who may get hurt. And that I SHOULD absolve myself of blame by walking away. So what now?I wish I knew. The better part of me tells me this is wrong, that I have to end it. This is the part that tells me:
(i) “If he can do it to his wife, he can do it to you too.”
(ii) “Think of the kids.”
(iii) “What future is there?”
(iv) “There you go again!”
But the other part of me just wants to be willful. This part of me alters between acknowledging the eventuality of getting heart-broken, and believing in the idealistic possibility of enduring bliss.
I do not, as a rule, moralize myself. But I am also not delusional enough to say that this is right “as long as we’re in love”. You see, I AM aware that there are people, children even, involved who may get hurt. And that I SHOULD absolve myself of blame by walking away. So what now?I wish I knew. The better part of me tells me this is wrong, that I have to end it. This is the part that tells me:
(i) “If he can do it to his wife, he can do it to you too.”
(ii) “Think of the kids.”
(iii) “What future is there?”
(iv) “There you go again!”
But the other part of me just wants to be willful. This part of me alters between acknowledging the eventuality of getting heart-broken, and believing in the idealistic possibility of enduring bliss.
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