What's Wrong

I haven’t seen Matt since he has been back. He doesn’t message or call me anymore. When I ask him why, it seems to push him further away from me. His replies to my messages are curt and I cannot figure out why. Did I do something wrong? Can he let me make it up to him? Has he stopped loving me?

First Signs

Matt arrived back from LA today.

I was hoping Matt could meet me to catch the Monaco F1 race but he said he had a family gathering to attend. I tell him that it’s ok. Throughout the race, I send him cheery messages updating him on the progress. Later, it turns out he was at home watching the race afterall. I don’t understand why he did not call me or message me but something tells me that I should not pry. “Talk online later” he messages, in reply to my message. I stay logged onto the internet till one tonight. He doesn’t come on line. I don’t know what to think, but my mind has no rest tonight.

Time Together

Matt is flying off to LA tomorrow so I take the day off from work. It’s getting harder to spend time with him since Wifey found out. Most days when I get off from work, Matt will be at home spending time with Wifey. She doesn’t let him go out so much now, and I do miss seeing him. We caught the movie Da Vinci code today. It wasn’t a great show but Matt was beside me and I was happy.

A Good Getaway

Matt and I had a good break this weekend. In spite of everything (see below), I had a really good time.

Saturday morning, Matt and I drove up to Malaysia with his friends. The guys had planned on partying the night in K.L. before hitting the Sepang open track on Sunday. We reached KL in the late afternoon and checked into the hotel. Matt and I managed to spend some time together and he took me out for a lovely japanese dinner. As always, his company was great and I really enjoyed myself. After dinner, we joined the rest of the gang for drinks. We went to a few pubs along the popular tourist district and downed many rounds of whiskey. Everyone was in a party mood. It was fun. I had never seen Matt so game for drinks, he is usually very controlled.

By the end of the night, I was drunk. That was where the trouble began.

Matt took me back to the hotel and by I ran for the bathroom the minute we entered the room. I felt really sick and needed to get the alcohol out of my system. So I did my usual thing* -- shove my fingers down my throat. Matt knows about my eating disorder but he had never witnessed it before. What a mess I was, slumped at the sink trying to purge and crying with my knuckles raw and red. But then Matt did the sweetest thing. He took me in his arms and kissed me. I forgot about how sick I felt and kissed him back. That much I remember, before I blacked out. I’m so sorry I put him through it.

*I've been swinging between anorexia and bulimia the past 8 years.

Peace Resumed

Matt has not been meeting me as often as he did before because he has to pacify Wifey. But things have settled down.

Granted, I did not take it well at first. We had many “I-know-I’m-married-what-do-you-expect-me-to-do?” arguments. I couldn't understand why he became absent both physically and emotionally. His nonchalance and my resultant despair broke me. I drank, drunk messaged and had sleepless nights frustratedly punching into my pillow.

Afterwards, we had another but-I-still-love-and-want-to-be-with-you-talk. We made up. As always, making up was sweet and tender. Matt made a bit more effort to spend time with me and everything felt right again. The skies looked brighter because he said he cared. The birds are singing in tune with us. I am smiling again.

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I know I should just shut the hell up and enjoy the bliss now. But I cannot resist thinking: How long will this last? You see, as this affair progresses, I feel myself spiraling out of control. My thoughts, my feelings, my life – they have all gone awry. Even writing this blog, where previously it helped me put things into perspective better, it really is plain ranting now. Without getting anywhere nearer the next remotely “sensible” step.

Happy three-month anniversary Baby.

Belated

I'm on leave today. Matt came by my place and we spent time together. I am truly happy.

Happy Birthday to Me

I’m 28 today.

In the morning at the office, I wait impatiently for 12pm to come. I had taken the afternoon off to meet Matt. He buys me lunch and we chat over coffee. It’s all nice and sweet. I’m just so happy to see him, it doesn’t matter that he won’t be joining me to go to Balaclava, where my friends (and some of his) are celebrating my birthday for me.

6pm. Time for Matt to go pick Wifey up from work. I plaster on a huge smile and say my goodbyes.

Relief

Matt's finally talking to me again. He's angry at me for sending him those drunk messages on Friday. I know, it was not within your control that you had to take her to Sepang, baby. His car also acted up on him again there and he had been busy sending it for repairs. I make a conscious effort not to mention the past weekend. I’m just glad he’s not mad at me anymore.