I Miss Him

Maybe it's the intensity of the past two weeks, but I really miss him. He flew off to LA this afternoon. He'll be back on Sunday morning - not soon enough.

We’ve been hanging out a lot. At least I feel it’s A LOT. After been single for so long, it’s strange having somebody around. Somebody I have to be accountable to (with respect to my “vices” at least), somebody who calls to check where I am, someone that makes me think I’m not so self sufficient after all. My mum’s met him too – remember my drunk MOS night - she actually likes him. Beverly thinks he’s good for me – that he’ll put a brake on my excessive partying.

But honestly, is drinking copious amounts of alcohol and smoking like a chimney necessarily worse evils than seeing a married guy? And a seemingly happily married one at that (think loving wife-adorable kids). Where are my scruples?And moral reproach aside, should I be playing with fire AGAIN?

But he’s so sweet.I’m afraid I’ll get used to having him around. After all, all relationships with “unavailable” men tend to have expiry dates. Yes, stupid-voice-in-my-head. I do hate you.

Getting Together

It's official. After last night, we are together.

I brought Matt to Pling's birthday party today. Pling is one of my dearest friends, and although I have a feeling that Pling would freak out if she knew Matt was married, I really wanted them to meet each other. I didn't however, expect to get my first taste of "being caught" so soon (It's scary, how small Singapore is.)

As it turns out, Pling's husband, Nik had invited his old friend, CH, who also happened to to be Matt's colleague. When Matt walked into Pling's apartment to see CH, he was markedly startled. Fortunately, CH seemed to "understand" the situation and he kindly feigned ignorance.

Confession - Mine

Matt’s been so nice that my conscience got the better of me today, and I told him about the one-night-stand. After I told him, he was quiet for a long while.

"Are you angry?" I asked. "No, I just need some time to accept this. He's my colleague. I'll have to face him." He couldn't meet my eyes. "And I think you should go check to see if you caught anything. Because Daryl's been sleeping around half the globe."He added.

I froze. He put his arm around me. "I don't mean anything, just concerned about you. Don't worry, I'll go with you."

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Tonight, he came to my place and we kissed long and hard. He held me so close I thought I would break. I felt so lucky having him there with me. I thought of all the nasty things Daryl had said about me and pushed the bad thoughts out by hugging Matt closer.

Touched by an Angel

I woke up with a major headache today. The moment I opened my eyes, I felt a sense of dread overcome me. Boy did I have a lot of explaining to do.

Matt called me shortly after I woke up and he came over to my place with breakfast. Initially, we just sat around eating kaya toast and laughing over my drunken antics the night before. Then, his face took on a serious look. “I have to call Daryl back”, he told me. My heart sank. Would Daryl tell him about the one-night-stand we had?

“No worries, I’ll just see what he has to say.” He walked away to make the call. The next ten minutes seemed to drag forever. When he came back from making the call, his face was grim. “What did he say?” I asked. And Matt told me what Daryl said. (Lies, all lies the bastard had come up with to protect himself. I don’t care to repeat them here.) Daryl had not, however, mentioned the one-night-stand to Matt. I asked Matt: “Do you believe what he told you?”

Matt replied: “I believe in what I see and am getting to know.”

Drunk at MOS

I got drunk last night.

Mickey had asked me to join him at MOS, and chivas really does run like water there. A few enthusiastic “bottom-ups” later, I was tipsy and messaged Matt (don’t ask me why he was the first person that came to mind) asking him to send me home.

Unfortunately, Daryl was there at MOS too, more drunk than I was. When I told him I was going home, he grabbed my hand and refused to let go for a good half an hour. Matt called me when he couldn’t find me, and in my panic, I blurted “Daryl refuses to let me go!”

I really shouldn’t have done that. Because the next thing I know, Matt had called Daryl and I have no idea what they were talking about over the phone. I don’t remember how I got home tonight, except that Matt had to call my mum on my handphone so she’d open the gate for me.

Familiarity

We have been seeing each other a lot lately. After the movie on Monday, we arranged to meet at Balaclava again tonight. Although he was “there with friends” and I was seated with my friends, it was as if we were there “together”. After Balaclava, I went for supper with his friends and him. When he sent me home, I couldn’t resist giving him a friendly hug. He held me longer than he should have. But the embrace felt good, safe.

First Contact

Over MSN last week, we had arranged to catch a movie today.

The dynamics between us seemed to have changed. After he had confessed to straying before, he felt more real than ever. Although I still cannot understand why he did what he did, I felt strangely closer to him.

When he put his hand on mine in the cinema, I did not pull away.

Confession - His

Matt messaged me this morning to tell me that he was back from NYC. He asked if I was free to meet him for dinner. We had been MSN-ing each other the whole week and he had bought me my favorite Krispy Kremes.

He took me to Olive Ristorante at Labrador Park. We sat there till late, talking and sipping red wine. The wine relaxed us and we talked freely.

The “incident” with Daryl had left me with a bad impression of pilots. I voiced my generalization to Matt (without telling him about the one-night-stand) and he agreed. Curious, I asked him if he had ever strayed before. Looking embarrassed, he nodded. He told me that about a year ago, he had had an affair with an air stewardess called Peggy. The affair had lasted a year.

In the car later, as he sent me home, he asked what I thought of his confession. I told him that I wasn’t surprised. He turned to look at me and said: “Just because I have a happy family doesn’t mean I am happy.”

The Player

I bumped into Daryl at Balaclava tonight. Daryl is a guy I had a one night stand with one drunken night a couple of months ago. When I first knew him, he told me that he was unmarried and unattached. The morning after, however, he confessed he had a wife.

Daryl is also a pilot with SIA. In fact, he is in the same A345 fleet as Matt. No, I do not intend to tell Matt about Daryl.

Meeting for Coffee

We met for coffee at Cosy Bay today. I was apprehensive about meeting him again so soon, but I figured he just wanted to know me better as a friend.

I like talking to him. Conversation with him flows easily, without the usual awkward silences you get with new people you meet. He makes me feel at ease, and I find myself opening up to him. We talk about NTU life, his experience growing up in the kampong and he even told me about his problem with his dad who has a second family in Indonesia.

On my part, I told him about my father’s womanizing, my mother’s ignorant bliss and also about my hand*. It didn’t seem to perturb him. In fact, he seemed to think I had done well, having accomplished what I had given the adverse circumstances. He likened it to his experience of fighting his family’s poverty.

I thought to myself, we could become good friends.

*I had meningitis when I was seven years old, and as a result am unable to control the movements of my left hand.

First Encounter

I was introduced to Matt by an acquaintance at Balaclava tonight. Like all the “friends of friends” I meet at Balaclava, I do not have much of a first impression of him. In fact, I remember saying a cool “Hi”, before walking away to join my friends at another table.

It was only later, when my friends and I went to MOS and we joined them at their table, that we started talking. He was friendly. I learnt that he was a pilot flying with Singapore Airlines, and since I used to be with the same Airline, the two of us were soon exchanging funny anecdotes about our work. We also exchanged numbers.

Later, he joined me and Didi at Zouk (we got a little carried away club-hopping). At Zouk, I asked him the all-important question: “Are you married or attached?” To his credit, he replied without hesitation: “Yes, I’m married.” Nonetheless, I remember standing a little further away from him.

At supper, we had fun talking about his two kids, my little nephew, and all topics wholesome and platonic. He told me that it was his first time at Balaclava, and that it was more than a year since he clubbed so late. As I took a long drag from my cigarette, he told me that he was a health freak who worked out a lot and hence didn't really drink.

What crossed my mind, as he walked me home at 6am, was how different I was from the bona fide “Family Man” beside me.